I think what I’ve been missing over the last few months is having a goal to aim towards and progress to. I function best and am at my happiest when I have something in front of me, which needs to be achieved. I then find it easy to channel all my energy into achieving this goal, whatever it is.
The problem with regular full-time work is that there isn’t really a goal as such, nothing to achieve or to aim for (other than: career progression, more money = soothing but boring). It doesn’t matter much where you are or what you do – you don’t really work for your own personal goal or achievement, and if there are goals such as sales targets, you haven’t set them yourself. I.e. you’re doing it for someone else, and, since the job is full-time and very stressy, you don’t have the energy to set your own goals in your spare time (such as: writing a short story).
I am someone who constantly feels the need to line up tasks for herself, and the bigger the task, the better. I have a fear of reaching the end of something, with nothing left to achieve. To illustrate this point: I would love to have real wooden floors in my flat, and decorate it to a high standard (designer wallpaper, HD flatscreen telly, etc.). However, I am *scared* of doing it lest there is nothing left to do afterwards. I.e. I would have achieved a beautiful flat, decorated to a high standard, but with no goal left to work towards afterwards.
I don’t know what that makes me, though that restlessness, the constant need to be productive, is a good motor for creative work. I could quite happily take a year out to write a novel, and I’m sure I’d achieve it within that time frame.
In fact years and years ago I wanted to move to Belfast for a while, to just focus on my writing full-time. I never did it though (instead, I did an MA).
I might do it some time next year. Obviously I wouldn’t move to bl00dy Belfast (I’m right in the head now). Instead, I’d just move to Edinburgh 🙂