Tag Archives: love

Dream about Writing

I had a dream about writing last night. I only just remembered it.

There was a competition and we had to write – within a set amount of time – a short story based on one of 4 topics. I can’t remember what the topics were, but one of them was to do with digital (digital culture maybe?), and one with Islam I think (an Other, which I know little about).

My boyfriend was there, too, and he seemed to get stuck in right away with his story. I on the other hand had difficulties choosing the topic, and a block – I couldn’t concentrate, and was progressing very slowly. I didn’t feel too good or confident about the whole thing.

I then asked to see my boyfriend’s work – and it was a beautiful graphic story, a comic, where different colourful shapes leapt and jumped along a wall.* This freed my thinking – and I went back to my own story and incorporated some graphic elements (typeface, cut-out sentences from magazines etc.).

No one ‘won’ the competition, and I don’t think that was the point. It was more to do with my love for my boyfriend, and how him being in my life (for just over a year now) has put me back in touch with what I really want from life. Not second best but the best. No fakery but what’s real and true.

*I played Prince of Persia on the PS3 last night, and they were leaping along via these rings that stick out of the walls

wb, me

Today is the 27th August 2009. It’s important for two reasons:

  1. I’ve been with my BF a year today
  2. I’ve decided I want to pursue my latent desire to become a writer of fiction (novelist)

ad 1. – I’ll let ee cummings do the talking

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

ad 2.

This is quite simple. As simple and true as point 1. I’ve wanted to be a writer ever since I can remember. I started writing poems at age 15 (not very good ones, I admit) and continued writing on and off, and generally being creative, until I started my PhD at age 27 – at which point, due to lack of time, it all died down. I’ve since slipped into full-time work that doesn’t leave any time to do what I most desire, since it doesn’t allow time for quiet contemplation and observation, and reflection.

Writing has even managed to fall off the radar, instead my self has nourished the illusion that this current full-time job in Marketing makes me happy. Well, it doesn’t. It does in terms of ‘I don’t hate what I do’, but it’s not fulfilling – all my creative energy is spent on doing stuff for other people, like wanking someone else without cuming yourself.

Writing is the child I want to bear, and to raise. This blog will help me keep and reiterate this focus – the new direction I want my life to take.

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Plans for 2009

I’m going to keep this one short. First of all, a quick revisit of what my plans were for 2008 and how I’ve done:

* move back up to Edinburgh (by mid-2008 the latest)
* sell Italy-house (by autumn 2008 )
* get a cat
* start MA in Translation (Sept 08 )
* buy a 52″ or bigger high-end HD TV

I’ve done 1., 3., and sort of 5. (I got a new HD-ready TV, though not 52″ !!).

The reason I didn’t, or only half-heartedly, tried selling the Italy house is that I found out you have to pay capital gains tax if you sell it under 5 years of ownership. That means I can reasonably aim to sell it in autumn 09, as from some time in October I will have owned it for 5 years.

The reason I didn’t start the MA in Translation was that I simply didn’t see the point any more. I now work 9-5 Monday-Friday and have no ambition to become a freelancer/teleworker in the near future, which made the MA redundant. Plus I was way too busy!

Now the plans for 2009:

  • Sell the Italy house, taking advantage of the weak pound and strong Euro as the world is in recession hehehe (October onwards i.e. past the 5-year-date)
  • Cranking up the frugality (I’ll be posting about that in bits and bobs and share my ideas)
  • Keeping on the straight and narrow (no cigarettes, not too much drink) –> I don’t have to *go* on the straight and narrow, but I have to stay on it for a bit and iterate it

Hm.. I don’t have many *concrete* plans it seems, other than the Italy house. The rest is more to keep my overall positive attitude and, I suppose, ‘spread the love’!

The older I get, the more love I feel. Not for every Tom, Dick, and Harry. But for those few that count. I’ll continue to nurture that all the way in 2009 😀

A Date with the Ex

No, not really 😛

Not having heard from my ex either for Xmas or my Bday (I had half expected at least an email or text, however brief), I googled his full name just to see what he’s been up to.

A good reason to never give your full name online / have it feature in any profiles if there ever was one! Amongst the highlights was the discovery of his having signed up to a site called GorgeousGamers (w00t) in April 2007, over a year before we actually split up.

There again, I shouldn’t be surprised, seeing that I discovered a message on an old phone of his by chance (wasn’t looking through it – I’m not the jealous/paranoid type..) roundabout March 07 which said:

Bloomsbury Thistle room 207 knock and wait as u enter u wil b blindfolded til u r in bathroom so u can change b4 knocking to b allowed out to c your MISTRESS. R u ok abov this

Note the ill-educated writing and spelling. Not a match for me. I never told him about this at the time. I suppose it didn’t affect me that much – or maybe I was just collecting ‘evidence’ for the time when I would need it. I never told him though, even when we did split up (I with him, for the record). But this kind of stuff definitely helped me disengage emotionally.

After all, I had loved my ex! But this type of thing only contributed to loving him less and less and less each day, until it had all but disappeared.