lenina’s Criteria for a Lover

Hearing the fucking asshole downstairs screaming at his girlfriend (my downstairs neighbour P.) earlier and throwing stuff around (furniture? hopefully not her) made me feel HATRED HATRED HATRED towards men again. Not ALL men, but I just sat there with a heavy heart and in desperation, while waiting for him to just fuck off and leave her alone (have called the police in the past etc. and these days the screaming/abuse doesn’t happen that regularly).

The thing is, I don’t have a natural hatred or dislike of men (really not! I LOVE them and most of my mates are male). However, various experiences with the masculine incarnation of asshole-males (incl. my sorry excuse for a father) who consider themselves superior just because of their sex, and who are mean and cruel while being inferior, have thoroughly informed the criteria that I, lenina, look for in a lover.

The first and most obvious one is that I don’t go for stereotypical, heterosexual (masculine) males. I’m absolutely not interested. It’s like a different, alien species to me. Think some random football ‘star’ such as Frank Lampard, or someone like Colin Farrell or Russel Crowe. Obviously I don’t know them, but anything that looks like a fairly regular masculine sex and gender to me is like some horrible monster that I don’t want to go near 😛

I like men who are a bit bendy, not only in their sexuality but also a general flexibility and non-fixity regarding their ‘role’ (the role that society has typically marked out for them). Since I feel about 55% male and about 45% female (give or take. I think it’s nearly even. There is a test on the BBC somewhere that I did ages ago, to see what gender my brain is), I like a similar percentage in what happens to be biologically a ‘man’ (the actual biological sex of a person is quite unimportant to me). I love men who are romantic and caring as then I don’t have to be 😛  – or to put it differently: Since in a stereotypical relationship, women do the ’emotional work’ (whatever the fuck that is), and I’m not particularly good at that, it’s good if a lover has these more ‘feminine’ qualities about them.

I guess my criteria for a lover are that they be more feminine, so I can be more masculine, which is what suits me best (based on childhood experiences blah blah). If I were less intelligent I would think I am a butch dyke and looking for a ‘femme’. But that’s not the case at all. I LOVE men, and I like the difference. I will just never be a ‘woman’ to a ‘man’.